5 Situations When Couples Counseling Isn't Recommended

Introduction

Couples counseling is a powerful tool for strengthening connection, rebuilding trust, and repairing communication. But there are a few specific situations when couples counseling is not recommended—at least not right away.

These situations often involve secrecy, instability, or a lack of emotional safety, making it difficult for partners to be open and vulnerable. Without these foundations, counseling can feel confusing, painful, or ineffective.

Below are five situations when couples counseling is not recommended, why these scenarios make therapy unproductive, and what type of support can help instead.

1. An Ongoing Affair That the Partner Refuses to End

Affairs are painful, but they do not automatically rule out couples counseling. Many couples successfully rebuild trust after an affair when:

• The affair is acknowledged

• The outside relationship has ended

• Transparency and commitment to healing are established

However, couples counseling is not recommended when the affair is still happening, or when the affair remains a secret from the spouse or the therapist.

Why Counseling Doesn't Work in This Scenario

• Transparency is impossible when a double life is being maintained.

• The betrayed partner often feels confused, anxious, or "crazy" because behaviors and words don't match.

• Trust cannot grow while deception continues.

Couples counseling in this situation can intensify the betrayed partner's pain and keep the relationship stuck.

What to Do Instead

• Individual counseling for the partner having the affair to clarify choices

• A firm decision: end the affair before continuing the couple's work

• Individual support for the betrayed partner to validate and stabilize.

2. Active Addiction in One or Both Partners

Addiction profoundly impacts trust, reliability, and safety. It often includes secrecy, mood swings, defensiveness, and broken promises.

Not all addiction excludes couples counseling—many couples benefit when recovery is underway and the partner expresses motivation to change. Occasional relapse in recovery can be workable.

Counseling is not recommended when the addiction is active and the partner is unwilling to reduce, stop, or seek support.

Why Counseling Doesn't Work in This Scenario

• The addiction becomes the partner's primary commitment.

• Emotional safety is compromised by volatility or denial.

• The non-using partner feels exhausted and alone.

• The using partner often responds with blame or minimization.

This creates a cycle where couples therapy becomes circular, painful, and unproductive.

What to Do Instead

• Substance use treatment or recovery programs

• Individual therapy for the using partner

• Individual support for the non-using partner

Couples counseling becomes far more effective once sobriety or stable recovery is established.

3. Unmanaged Mental Health Conditions

Many couples begin therapy with a mental health diagnosis present in one or both partners—and they can benefit greatly when that condition is reasonably managed.

Counseling becomes difficult when a mental health condition is untreated or very unstable, leading to challenges with:

• Perception

• Thought patterns

• Emotional regulation

• Empathy

• Impulsivity or volatility

Why Counseling Doesn't Work in This Scenario

Couples therapy requires some ability to:

• Regulate emotions

• Hear each other's perspective

• Tolerate discomfort

• Compromise

When symptoms are unmanaged, partners may feel like they're living in entirely different realities. Conversations can quickly escalate or shut down, leaving both people discouraged and overwhelmed.

What to Do Instead

• Individual therapy for stabilization

• Psychiatric support, if appropriate

• Skills-based treatment for emotional regulation

Once symptoms are better managed, couples counseling becomes far more effective.

4. Ongoing Domestic Violence

Domestic violence—whether physical, emotional, verbal, or psychological—creates fear, hypervigilance, and survival mode.

Some couples experience a single incident, address it immediately, and commit to safety and treatment. In carefully evaluated cases, counseling may be possible.

However, couples counseling is not recommended when abuse is chronic, recurring, or escalating.

Why Counseling Doesn't Work in This Scenario

• The victim cannot safely share their truth without fear of retaliation.

• The abusive partner may use information from sessions to control or harm.

• True collaboration is impossible with a power imbalance.

Couples counseling in abusive relationships can unintentionally increase danger.

What to Do Instead

• Individual counseling for the victim

• Safety planning

• Domestic violence resources and support organizations

• Legal or protective resources when needed

Your safety is the priority—not couples therapy.

5. Serious Ambivalence About the Marriage

Ambivalence means one or both partners are genuinely unsure whether they want to stay in the relationship. This creates two different agendas:

• The leaning-in partner wants to save the relationship

• The leaning-out partner is considering ending it

Why Counseling Doesn't Work in This Scenario

Couples counseling is designed for partners who share the goal of improving their relationship. When ambivalence is present:

• Goals constantly shift

• Vulnerability feels unsafe

• The leaning-in partner becomes anxious and over-functioning

• The leaning-out partner withdraws or focuses on dissatisfaction

The process becomes destabilizing rather than healing.

What to Do Instead: Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling helps partners:

• Clarify their true feelings

• Understand how the relationship reached this point

• Decide whether to recommit, separate, or pause

Once ambivalence is resolved, traditional couples counseling can begin.

Conclusion

Couples counseling requires basic levels of trust, emotional safety, predictability, and commitment. When these core elements are missing—such as during ongoing affairs, active addiction, unmanaged mental health symptoms, domestic violence, or deep ambivalence—couples counseling can unintentionally reinforce the very patterns causing distress.

This doesn't mean your relationship is hopeless. It means you may need a different type of help first—help that stabilizes, protects, and supports you before deeper relationship work can begin.

If you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios, the resources below are a helpful starting point.

Affairs: Consider individual therapy or discernment counseling.

Addiction: Visit SAMHSA.gov for treatment services.

Domestic Violence: Contact TheHotline.org for 24/7 support.

Mental Health: Seek individual counseling or psychiatric evaluation.

Ambivalence: Learn more at DiscernmentCounseling.com.

You deserve clarity, safety, and support—and the right kind of help can put you on a path toward healing, whether individually or together.

Do you have any questions about couples counseling or the Gottman Method? Email me at tmatyukhin@tmatmcs.com